Open letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

It's been years since I wrote to you. Growing up, I always wrote to you. I kept it hidden to everyone. It's not like other kids, who are asked to write their Christmas list, so that Santa will deliver the gifts just in time for them to see underneath the Christmas tree. Only, in my little world then, it was bayabas branch ( guava), meticulously chosen and wrapped in colorful crepe paper. I wrote every single year, never had the chance to show it to anyone. I pour my heart out everytime I write, then and now. Sometimes, I ask for a gift, sometimes my letter is just to write my plans, aspirations and changes I would want in my life, but mostly just some scramblings; until I lull myself to sleep. Santa, why do we grow up?  Do we have to?

I remember asking for a pretty dress for 3rd grade Christmas party. Well, my mother did buy me one, only to have every other girl in class have almost an identical design of the dress. One girl said I just copied her. She taunted me until it hurt. I did not cry, you see Santa, that was my defense. I ignored her to show that I did not care. But you see Santa, that was not fair. I did not even have a choice. My mother bought that for me, because it was cheap, we can afford it. Back then, it was painful. Now, I do not even know where that girl is. I hope she remembers me and hope she has a good life. You see, I think because of her, unintentionally, I became more concerned on my dealings with other people.

Santa, when i was young, I used to dream and boy, did I dream. Today, my son said his teacher told them, it's okay to shoot for the moon, for even if you won't hit it, you would still land with the stars. Pretty thought. I guess I did not shoot for the moon. But, I do have stars in my life. I have 3 little shining stars that warm my heart to bits. But Santa, it's difficult, you know, being a parent. Balancing my world for them is what I do, but sometimes the world tilts, unfavorably, I'm afraid. My dreams have not gotten me to the moon, not even close. I just wish that my kids will have a better shot at it, please Santa, please. I promise to guide and protect them. But Santa, that's all I can do, right? Hopefully, they will also write letters, to you and to me. My dreams are there, in a compartment of my life. They may or may not be fulfilled but the important thing is I dream. For what is life without dreams and aspirations?

Santa, I know it in my heart that my secret letters to you are keepers of my immense desires and longings in this world. I may not recall all of them, but I know they must be the same as the ones I desire now. Our dreams and wishes are what shape our future, right Santa? In different stages of our life, we desire the same things, but when you're younger, you desire them in it's simplest form. Life is more complicated now Santa. Sometimes I even think it is chaotic. But when it gets so tough, I retreat back and simplify it. You see Santa, it is not easy to simplify in my world now. Too many factors involved. Friends, work, family and other personal indulgence. Is it too much to ask you to just make all my life's complications disappear? Yes, like boom! Like a fresh slate, clean and squeaky white. But wait, no, not yet Santa. Hold on a bit!

I take that back Santa. I want my life in all it's blazing glory of mistakes, failures and few trickles of success and a whole lot of laughter. So, let me try that again... Santa can you just make the mean people and the bad situations vanish? Oh, I like that better. You can't? Santa, please. It's all or nothing? No selective memory vanishing? This is hard, Santa. I give up, you win again. I want my life. I love my life. I see you smiling Santa. So, ok I move on with my life just the way i did, choosing my battles wisely.

Soon, it will be Christmas. Santa, will you bring me my gifts? You know I like surprises but then, I want nothing anymore. Nothing you can buy at the store, at least. I am grown up now Santa. I want the more profound things in life. I want my family and friends' safety, continued good health and stable life. I can see you smiling Santa. But seriously, I want nothing more than the joy of childhood. You see, I like that, simple joy and genuine laughter. Can I have that? Yes, you say? Oh, thank you Santa!

Before i go, Santa, can I make one wish? No, it's not for me, but it will make me happy just the same. Can you make the kids devastated by the typhoons in the Philippines recently have a merry Christmas? I am sure you can. Thank you Santa.


Love lots,

Bernadette Ambiong
60 Loriga Gallarza St.
Punta Aparri Cagayan Philippines