Inspite of

... Life might get you. everything falls apart; family, health, career, friends and even when the simplest things in life is blown out of proportion--- when the rain is unstoppable and the sun is buried deep in the dark clouds-- when friends are nowhere in sight, when nothing seems to align, when whatever you say is wrong and when whenever you look harder there seems to be nothing. You get that? That feeling? I do. A whole lot. Lots of times.

But I don't cry- okay maybe I do-- a little. I may look messed up and unable to project a brave face but I always keep silent. It may seem unimaginable for me to keep silent but that's what I do. For in silence I know myself more. In silence, I can listen. Listen to my God and listen to my inner self.

In silence, I pray. A lot. Troubled hearts are always in prayer but even in times of joy, I pray.

Why am I telling you all this? Because if you are a long time reader of my blog, you know I seldom get emotional in this blog. But, I have been in pain. I have been praying too. I can't tell you why but i can tell you my heart needs to heal- to forgive. I was hurt so deep it's hard to forgive. There's just a few things that make me like this. I can't fathom in my heart to forgive just yet. I try to say I have, but in reality, I examine my soul and I have not. I trick myself too, making it believe it's no big deal blah blah blah, but who am I kidding?

In order to heal, you need to pass the stage of Hurting. In order to do that, you have to admit you are hurt. That's where my inner self is confused. I try to belittle my feelings telling me that I am a happy jovial person and not someone who can be hurt by anyone.

Needless to say, I have a journey to finish. A long one.