Lost (This is originally in my "formal" blog.... llaga22.wordpress.com)

The title speaks for itself. I definitely would have a lot of things to say about being lost. Let me focus for now about my being LOST… in the realm of what I want to do in my life, professionally. Isn’t that completely insane? Thirty one years of complete earthling life and I haven’t gotten a clue about me, what I honestly want, where I desire to be or when do I do things I really want. Regretfully, I have not been very adventurous about the things I have so far done in my life. Let me elaborate, first I went on to follow what peole were doing in college, go the safe route, healthcare field. For Filipino families, I find it funny that we tend to be a family of nurses, doctors, dentists and so forth. I am a Medical Technologist, I chose this profession, don’t get me wrong, I love it and I take pride of it. But, did I really think about it? Did I think of my capabilities and strenghts before embarking? As I said, I wanted to go easy way, no struggles against the will of my parents, particularly my father. I remember my tatang (father) telling me that if I pursued Mass Communications as major in college, it would get me nowhere, because we were not well connected, I was not a pretty face, nor am I from the big city where that profession abounds. No words said… ” wen Tatang” (yes Father)… was all I could muster. Should have I insisted on my decision? I would not be lost… if I had, or no?

I am satisfied with where I am right now. I work for Children’s Hospital Boston, a world renowned healthcare facility, climbing the ladder of success. I have taken all possible steps to excel in my profession. I took certification I do not necessarily need for my career advancement, but much more for my personal satisfaction. Yeah, you all, I can do it. Almost all of my college friends are doctors now. Am I envious? Absolutely! But I am not envious in a way you would think. I envy their courage and strenght to pursue what they want. I know a few of them were just forced into it just like me, by overzealous parents who are MDs themselves, nevertheless, they made it. Not me.

I wanted to be a broadcast journalist… now you all know. I have this burning feeling inside of me to be the face of truth and the champion of justice, in what way was this related to broadcast journalism, I can not fathom until now. I know my desire is also fueled by my strenghts. I know I can never be corrupted, nor be easily swayed by overpowering masculine society, I just know deep inside me, I could have been a shining example of a ” probinsiyana” who champions the poor, made it big to the big city, yet has remained honest and simple. Or is it? Maybe i could have changed, what with the power that fame and fortune brings. Maybe I will be surrounded by arrogance and I start acting it, like it was second skin. Just maybe, I learned that life is not that simple, or maybe I was just so good in adapting that when I did get big, I absorbed everything that came with it, big head, big ego, big paycheck, big credit.

I am still in limbo. I want to be in Florida, or California, build my life there. I want to go to Spain and Thailand, before I forget, I want to go to San Francisco. I want to be a journalist even in my little corner of the world.

Now, you have met me. Will you stay with me to nourish my dream? I will never be found, because a spirit like me never rests, it never anchors, stays afloat. I will always be lost but never unhappy.

Ciao, enjoy blogging..

Great Visit

Sometimes, I want to forget all about the past. Not that it brings melodramatic pains and memories... no, nothing like that. Nor it is because there is no significant past. Which is worse? Perhaps, it is not only me. Within all of us lie the unspoken fear of the past. For whatsoever reason, we gravitate towards the future more than the past... which we should not, because the past have the greatest impact to the future. It is what we stood for in the past that is now taking shape in the future. I do not have an explanation, I suppose I belong to the great majority.

But let me tell you this, if there is one special thing in my life that I am allowed to revisit, I would be put in a great predicament. There is so much I want to go back to that I can not even think of one right now.

Do I want to dwell in pain of my youth, the indecisive me? The absurd attitude of the " in" crowd. I was never a conformist even back then. Not that I hated this phase in my life, but now that I have seen so much of life, I just do not think I can take the atrocities of my youth and the parties involved. Sweet but no thanks. Well , maybe... indecisive huh?

Do I want to go back to the early years in my little northern fishing village? Ah, the smell of salty breeze from the Cagayan River merging with the giggles and shouts of too many kids under the bright moonlight blanketing the little quiet town of Aparri. The rotten smell of aramang ( those lil shrimp looking species of unknown genus, at least unknown to me). I remember being teased, ostracized even if to say the least, because I came from Punta, the fishing village. I am proud of that, I despise all that shy away from it. Isn't it sweet to look back and see all the familiar faces all over again? While it may not be so now, but I relish the nice time when you can roam the nights without fear.

Do I want to go back to a failed relationship? No, this would border to the obscene and a soap opera, a scandal even. Oh, the naughty me! Wink!

Do I want to refresh my memory of the most wonferdul friendship? Friendship gives the most wonderful spice in life. I would never give up my friendships for all the glory of the world. But then again I have at least three. It would make me young and vulnerable again, hahha! Who would I spend it with?

Oh life, what would it be? Would I put my self to test again by going back to my college years? I can just imagine the grueling time I had at the " university belt" of Manila. Manila!!!! My Manila! That was so much fun, but as I recall now, I wonder how I survived it. With the squalid smell of million students in a compact land area whhew... survival of the fittest. I never had any problem about drinking, smoking or drugs because I was very much against it. I can tolerate you, but do not ask me twice if I want to try it, I would get insulted. I am proud of that, my Tatang never had to remind us about it. ( Tatang is father, a variety of the way Filipinos call their fathers, much like Dad, Daddy Pop to the West... I prefer the sweet sound of Tatang ). The endless battle for my jeepney ride! Oh, yes, I did fight for my seats and mind you, I dothat with the tight white uniform of those days. I can only imagine.

Will reminiscing my wedding day give me the same old feeling? I bet yeah it will. It is one of the fairy tale weddings in my town. There were so many people, people I know, I barely know, what have you. I still think that I looked my best on that day.

Someday somehow, all will come to an end, therefore, we should just march on... live our life with the greatest candor. I will visit my life like a glistening shadow, determined to emerge a winner in life's battle. Nevertheless, what I will be will always be because of what shaped me in my past.

Suffice to say, it means my visits will always be a painful reminder that I should know what I have been and should guide my journey in the realm of the future.

February 28, 2007

Nourish Your Dreams

Live .Dream. Achieve.
Achieve. Live. Dream.
Dream. Live. Achieve.
Live your dreams. Achieve all your dreams. No matter what we, rather, I do, it seems to be a pathetic quest. Quest. Human satisfaction, as proven all the time, is something that is unconquerable as the human spirit. Defeating the purpose of satisfaction is dreaming. I am not going to argue... I am stating my observation. By the way this is not about me. Well, it is always about me.

Somehow in this lifetime ( sounds passe) , we clamor so much, for the fame, the glory and the recognition we seem to think we deserve. Aside from these, of course there is the " tangible" proof of this " strong want". There is the big SUV, the glimmering 2 seater BMW, the "it" Louis Vuitton bag, the latest Manolos, (for the sake of Jimmy Choo's millions of fans oh yes ), the always glamorous Lancome, the ever classy Mikimoto pearls, not to be outdone, there is the Bulgari look-at-me jewelry. Wait, there is a new one that will make you belong, rather, acceptable to the creme-de- la -creme . Women and men alike are into "self improvements"... like the reality shows. There is the teeth whitening ( so much so that you lose the enamel, one MD said), the diamond peel for more even out skin tone, the liposuction, the tummy tuck, the bleaching or in this side of the world, the tanning, there is even the hair rebonding, the old world threading for more shapely eyebrows, and the most that kills me is the eyelash perm... what? Oh, no on second thought, I think what is abominable (abhor?) is the " make-up tattoo". Say, what? Altogether now. Besides these, there is also the rise in club and sports membership. Now you have to pay to be fit. Pathetic! Fitness club, golf membership, tennis clinics, basketball tournaments and the likes. Not only that, you have to be with the popular group otherwise you do not count. With the Lacoste logo hanging on every boat owner, it seems an indelible mark of Wall Street. Travels. Been to Bermuda? Seen the pink sand beaches of Mauritius? How about the palaces in Germany? Gone to a safari in Senegal? Seen the natives of Down Under? Somewhat ingrained into the consciousness of everyone is that we separate ourselves to the have-nots to the places we have the honor to travel to. " You may have the money honey, but if you are not well traveled, you are not cultured." I overheard someone say at the airport. So now, it is rather dismal to be " just rich", you have to be educated and cultured. Calling all citizens of the world. Whatever happened to me? Must have missed all the fun there! There is another one that I think have been here since time in memoriam. There is the "letters after your name thing", PhD, MD, MS, ASCP ( I told you it is about me) and the rest. Where I come from, people get insulted if you do not call them by their achieved profession, so much so that it is part of their " full name". Engr. Ronald So, Atty. Domingo Malang and Father Norberto Nakpil SVD. It is such a blatant and arrogant display of power. It is equivalent to having money. Worst is the rich kid growing up inheriting the CEO title, or being the company president lucky enough be married to the nouveau rich. Somehow when I was in school ( yes, I did go to a university) there is the prevalent feeling , " if you can't be a doctor, marry one." I did not become one, I did not marry one. Life sucks. What about being a celebrity? It is not enough just to play the major role, now they have to be executive producers so that they will earn more on the gains of the movie. Did you ever wonder why there has been a rampant practice of product displays on TV shows and movies? What was that car being driven at the latest installment of MI3 again? Can't get enough, can they? It is the perfect interplay of the rich and famous. God forbids when power interplays with fame. Can you imagine Jenna Bush marrying ultimate cutie Jake Gyllenhaal? I can only imagine.


I have been avoiding to include the clamor for religion because it is a topic I would rather not pursue, but one thing that someone reminded me, if I am to write about this topic is the strong clamor for religion, the quest for our thirst for the question that has evaded most of humankind. "Who are we in this world?", I refuse to delve in this topic, nevertheless it is part of this, so bear with me. Remember the Dalai Lama? When he came over to the US, all celebrities and world leaders wanted to be photographed with him. Well, there is also the couch-jumping Scientologist Tom Cruise. Self- help books and personal development books line the bookstores. Right now, there is the controversial The Da Vinci Code ( i have the book, have not watched the movie ... yet). So there, enough with religion, or as someone told me, enough with the hypocritical values we present to conform with society. We seem to think of our beliefs as staying powers, hard to admit but we use this to rather expand our clout. We easily get swayed to the powers that be. So there, let it be.

Believe me, I do have soaring dreams. My heart clamors for all that each and everyone , in their deepest thoughts savor. I have dreams for myself,for my family,friends and the world. Dreams are beautiful thoughts for as long as it does not enslave us, does not make us bitter, jealous, and angry. For me, dreams make up the capsule of my being, that envelopes my wishes not only for me but my love ones. Someday, I may share the beauty of my dreams, only if you let me.

Somehow deep inside me, I know I can't be true to myself if I do not go after these dreams, in the chambers of my heart, these dreams do not belong, they belong to the world, for all to see and cherish, maybe even share. No matter how little they can go, I know my dreams will lift my life and my spirit. Hopefully it will touch yours.

Soar high, achieve your most evasive dreams and live the life that fulfills the greatest void in your life. Love.

I rest my case. As I have said, this is about me. Not meant to make anyone disagree.

B

Ate's 50th

I am tasked with a great but daunting job, that is, to give a little speech about my Manang Janette. A mounting task it is, not only because I am talking about a great person but also because she is one multifaceted personality. But what made this truly a mounting task now is the fact that my talk will come after these great speakers who have all given a beautiful and factual account about our birthday celebrant.... here I have to revise my speech to avoid being redundant, and be the least memorable SPEAKER... that I dread. I have been revising this over and over that I can not stop....

So, flashback to hs, my public Speaking Coach once told me, I am better off focusing on one beautiful topic that I can deliver with all my heart than have multiple topics and all half heartedly discussed. So, yes Sir... I was listening.

I am not going to sugarcoat anything in our lives, our family. Our family has been through a lot, yet we stayed afloat, with intact principles. That is very well manifested with Manang Janette, her life and all that she is. With all the trials and tribulations that have come her way, she has emerged victorious, maybe a liitle bit frazzled, shaken even but always, always victorious. Somehow in life, when it rains it pours. With Manang Janette though, she sees it as an opportunity to grow and devour in the presence of a higher power when all else fails her. I, for one would have succumbed to the easy way out, not her, she continues to propel herself to a higher level of understanding, grasping along the way what life has to offer. For I don't have the pure and personal relationship she has with her Creator, it is easy for her to bow down and say, I surrender, because only in surrendering to our God we can let his powers take over our humanity.

We have a big family, our parents were not educated (academically speaking), were struggling, nothing and no one else to depend on. Yet, they were so determined to give us a different life in any way they could, even if it meant smelling like salted fish or dried aramang , waking up at wee hours in the morning with 2 hours of sleep, working like horses. What with many children to rear, somehow life was still difficult. The difference I can proudly say is the fact that we have siblings who are responsible , clamouring not for the luxurious life but a life worth living. This I can truly say to all of you, is the pride we have in our family. Not to water down the hard work our parents did, but great part of our triumphant rise from ignorance, exposure to a world more embracing to all, is because of Manang Janette. She has sacrified a lot for all of us, nevertheless, not without falling and rising and falling again, but all the time with our heads up high, not letting go of the values and principles our parents instilled in us. Oftentimes misunderstood, sometimes used, or should I say, the opposite, Manang Janette is always a joy to be with. For the good in me, I can not fathom how she can juggle so many things at the same time. A good friend, always there to support, a great worker, a devoted Christian , spotless homemaker, a loving and understanding wife. No words can do justice to describe her as a mother, with all the pains and joys of motherhood. A lot of you may have been touched by her loving embrace and welcoming smile and may have a thing or two to describe her, but I guess for all of you, she probably is the most accommodating all, in time, effort and presence. For what are words when you are not in action, Manang Janette is that, many of you maybe buoyed towards new friends later as we all journey in life, but I dare you, no one will be as “ family” as Manang Janette.But then again, I can only speak from the heart if I speak as a sister. With her warm embrace and strong grounds, I feel so secure and safe. Many times we agree on a lot of things , sometimes clashing in principles, but never understimating the respect we have for each other. She is one generous sister, never selfish, I don't think she has a jealous bone in her . A supportive sister, that I can be a monument for her being supportive. She will give her opinion but will always be enduring in her support inspite of. Recently, I took a licensure examination for Medical Technology in the US , and did pass, mind you. I was ecstatic, crying, laughing , thanking, reflective , jubilant, proud, content and fulfilled. With all the craziness that was surrounding me, there was a lot of people I prayed for that night. I offered it to my parents, who wanted me to be a doctor, I failed them but with the test, i felt at least I eased a little of their discontent. I asked the Lord to bless my bestfriend, my husband, children, siblings and friends for I know I am who I am because of the great love and support they have for me.Why am I telling you this? I am telling you this because when I was getting married, I wrote Manang Janete to ask for her blessing, because she was helping my parents with my schooling. I thought it was just proper. She was not happy, my family has always grand plans for me, we excnahged hurtful words and had  a shouting match, but in the end she was supportive, telling me that, she was not against me, my future husband or me being happy, but she was disappointed because she thought I could do more with my life - be a doctor, a lawyer or a journalist. But mind you, she came home for the wedding, was in all the planning stages,telling me what to do, even bought me a diamond and pearl earing stud. But most of all ,NEVER MAKING MY HUSBAND FEEL UNWANTED.
So, after so much reflecting, I realized, I did not take that test for anything. I realized I did it for my parents, my husband and just pure personal fulfilment, for I do not need it for propesterous and ambitious gains. Then, like a eureka moment, I realized, this is for my loved ones especially people I have disappointed getting marrried early in life. It was for Manang Janette for believing in me, trusting me, letting me know that I can be anybody I want if I put my heart into it. I am now Bernadette Ambiong LLaga, MT ASCP, but my Inang should be too, so is Manang Janette, same with my husband, my sisters and brothers, and my children. Thank you Manang Janette, we share my license to pratice Medical Technology anywhere in the US.
I try not to be superflous with my description of her, but that would be a disservice to a great person.
I have come to admire her, for all that she has been through, I do not know if I can even endure half of it. But I am confident in the thought that I do have her when darkness do come. I will have a guiding light and leading hand ushering me towards the light .

Family and friends, I share with you the joy of having a wonderful person in our midst. I am vey happy that we all can be touched by a loving sister or friend. Life would never be the same if we do not hear Manang Janett's thunderous laugh, her signature smile and not to mention, her " tayo-tayo" lang parties, which turns out to be 100 people or more. Yes, in deed, we all go on with our busy life but one in a while we get calls from her, nothing important, just dropping by.

So, this is the night for Manang Janette, an opportunity for us to savor the moment with her, so that in our solitude, we relish about how she can make us all laugh and cry at the same time. To you Manang, my family loves you, you are Mamu Janette. "Can we go see Mamu Mommy?" is always a question whenever we have a three day weekend. Thank you for your unending love and support, may your blessings continue to fluorish and life be good. I never intended to make my speech longer that 1 minute , so bear with me. Thank you Manang for being my sister, they say you can choose your friends but not your family, but if I have to choose, I will still choose what I have now...., we may not be a lot of things but we are family, always knowing who we are and never embarrased of our humble beginnings.... but most of all, I will still choose the the same family simply because I have a Manang Janette......
Thank you all and I love you Chris!
June 27, 2007