Sometimes, I want to forget all about the past. Not that it brings melodramatic pains and memories... no, nothing like that. Nor it is because there is no significant past. Which is worse? Perhaps, it is not only me. Within all of us lie the unspoken fear of the past. For whatsoever reason, we gravitate towards the future more than the past... which we should not, because the past have the greatest impact to the future. It is what we stood for in the past that is now taking shape in the future. I do not have an explanation, I suppose I belong to the great majority.
But let me tell you this, if there is one special thing in my life that I am allowed to revisit, I would be put in a great predicament. There is so much I want to go back to that I can not even think of one right now.
Do I want to dwell in pain of my youth, the indecisive me? The absurd attitude of the " in" crowd. I was never a conformist even back then. Not that I hated this phase in my life, but now that I have seen so much of life, I just do not think I can take the atrocities of my youth and the parties involved. Sweet but no thanks. Well , maybe... indecisive huh?
Do I want to go back to the early years in my little northern fishing village? Ah, the smell of salty breeze from the Cagayan River merging with the giggles and shouts of too many kids under the bright moonlight blanketing the little quiet town of Aparri. The rotten smell of aramang ( those lil shrimp looking species of unknown genus, at least unknown to me). I remember being teased, ostracized even if to say the least, because I came from Punta, the fishing village. I am proud of that, I despise all that shy away from it. Isn't it sweet to look back and see all the familiar faces all over again? While it may not be so now, but I relish the nice time when you can roam the nights without fear.
Do I want to go back to a failed relationship? No, this would border to the obscene and a soap opera, a scandal even. Oh, the naughty me! Wink!
Do I want to refresh my memory of the most wonferdul friendship? Friendship gives the most wonderful spice in life. I would never give up my friendships for all the glory of the world. But then again I have at least three. It would make me young and vulnerable again, hahha! Who would I spend it with?
Oh life, what would it be? Would I put my self to test again by going back to my college years? I can just imagine the grueling time I had at the " university belt" of Manila. Manila!!!! My Manila! That was so much fun, but as I recall now, I wonder how I survived it. With the squalid smell of million students in a compact land area whhew... survival of the fittest. I never had any problem about drinking, smoking or drugs because I was very much against it. I can tolerate you, but do not ask me twice if I want to try it, I would get insulted. I am proud of that, my Tatang never had to remind us about it. ( Tatang is father, a variety of the way Filipinos call their fathers, much like Dad, Daddy Pop to the West... I prefer the sweet sound of Tatang ). The endless battle for my jeepney ride! Oh, yes, I did fight for my seats and mind you, I dothat with the tight white uniform of those days. I can only imagine.
Will reminiscing my wedding day give me the same old feeling? I bet yeah it will. It is one of the fairy tale weddings in my town. There were so many people, people I know, I barely know, what have you. I still think that I looked my best on that day.
Someday somehow, all will come to an end, therefore, we should just march on... live our life with the greatest candor. I will visit my life like a glistening shadow, determined to emerge a winner in life's battle. Nevertheless, what I will be will always be because of what shaped me in my past.
Suffice to say, it means my visits will always be a painful reminder that I should know what I have been and should guide my journey in the realm of the future.
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