Saturday, October 24, 2009

Update in my life (April 2006)

I am "happy" as in happy.
Don't ask why.
I am just happy.
I am hoping that it will stay like this forever but I know that it won't. guess what though, at least i am deciding on my own. Now i can truly say that i am truly in control. As long as I am not stepping in someone else's toes, i will not break. i am willing to compromise so I won't break. i am definitely in tune with my life. I have the kids, gym ( hehe), stable career (?), tons of wonderful friends. Speaking of friends, finally I have come to the point in my life where I have enough good friends here in the States that I can say, I am back to my old self. Funny, cheerful and full of energy.


It has been a very long journey and a very painful episode in my life, but hey, here I am again. Welcome the new ME!!!




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Exam (May 28th 2006)


Busy preparing for THE EXAM… (American Sociey of Clinical (psycho hehhe) Pathologist certification for Hematology….) not that I am mortified but it is more like … I- am so-not-into-this-right-now-so-God-bless-me period of my life.


I am so not into it… why not Chemistry? Dunno. Duh! Who wants to study anemias and leukemias right now? HUHUHU.


‘Nways, this is life. East Coast summertime is PRECIOUS and here I am buried in books… literally… because I have a lot of materials but am too lazy to read.. or touch up of whatever-is-inyour-brain-right-now-should-be-fine data.


So… summer and here Iam … basically WASTED!


Clubhouse pool opened, great summer fashion (show some skin… and fat), people on the street with good attitudes (you know winter makes people grumpy here in Boston heheh), summer vacations… No planning because of the MONSTER!!!
HUHUHU!




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One Liner ( MArch 30 2006)


"Although we can not have all we love, we can still love what we have."


True… truly… convince me more! Hehhhe.




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Life worthwhile

"The purpose of life is not just to live it, but to have something worthwhile to live for."
I have been struggling  to fight the urge of commenting to this one liner but, hey here I am. I do not apologize for the melodrama and the angst of my writing to day. Nor, do I need to explain any further what my mediocre expression in writing can surmise to expand.
We always hear
" purpose of life"

What is it though? There are countless materials we can dig into to nourish our thirsty " dry -tap" brains. In fact if you google ( yes, I use google) " purpose of life" you come up with thousands of pages and websites.. from scientifc to religious to pathetically sadistic attack on the supposed purpose of "it".
... to be continued... kinda too early to be thinking this road hehhe!


Why? Love?


Why me? Why them? Why ?

Why not?

I have this one liner…  my own one. " Follow the dictates of your heart, somehow the mind will accomodate what the heart desires." Isn’ it true? Loving does not need to be an intelligent choice, all it has to be is a  genuine recognition of yourself and the other person. You do not have to think so many preconceived
notions dictated by society, nor should it be a powerplay of  what you want and what makes you happy.

What makes you happy is not necessarily the popular thing for others. Will the void be filled when you follow the norm?

I am not antagonistic with society’s view, do not get me wrong. It is just that most of the time, it is unthinkable! Give you a few thoughts to support my view. People want you to love the ….. BRB…

I guess I have to finish this... it has been so long ago, that I forgot what I was leading to... so let's just forget about it.

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Fil Pride

"Manny Pacquiao dominates Larios infront of countrymen", thus says the Associated Press. Illustrated Sports puts it this way... " Unbeatable Pacman wins infront of whole nation."

I am a Filipino and proud of it. There is no way, I would hide I am a Flip ( ooopss).
Be it the Smokey Mountain, the corrupt government officials, the dirty sidewalks, the againts-the-wall-urinating ( hahha),  the polluted Pasig River, the spaghetti electric wires, the inhabited overpass, the noisy balikbayan box trotting OFW, the taxi swindler, the computer tech. infecting the whole world with that " viscious virus", crippling even the White House, truly,there may be more " offending" things that will reverbirate across to put Filipinos down, but there is nothing that can put my head down nor make me embarassed to declare to the world that I am a Filipino.

I will not go back to history anymore to prove my point. Currently, there are are so many things that make me proud. To name a few...in sports, Manny Pacquiao, Monique Lhullier in fashion, so much more out there who are trying wholeheartedly to bring the very best of the Filipinos to the world.


To be continued.... break time over... soryy I only do my blog on my work break... very Filipino.

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Portrait 07

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 There would never be a moment in my life where I am not at my proudest talking about my kids. They are my greatest possession, or as KC would say, " treasure". They had a portrait session week before easter Sunday, boy were they beautiful. I am a totally fulfilled human being when it comes to my motherly status. I may not be the best, but to my kids, I am the most beautiful, to me they are my everything, the reason for my existence.

I was watching a TV show where an officer wanted to put to jail a son who was abusing the mother. The mother  was covering for her son, that is why they can not  prosecute him. The officer made a way for the son to be put away to jail for different reasons other than the abuse because they can not prove the abuse without the mother's collaboration. Long story short, the mother confronted the officer, the officer said that now, she can live her life, without fear, without abuse and most of all, away from her son who abuses her. The mother replied, " what life?"

Dsc00077For me, life without my kids is unthinkable. I have yet to think of it.

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Milestones

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I have not blogged for a very long time. I have no excuse for that. Not that I was planning to make up an excuse. I guess my last entry was my sister's 50th birthday celebration. I have written a lot  of  materials ( for my personal enjoyment) and have joined public speaking contests but it is funny to say that it still felt surreal. Once again I had this adrenaline rush that is wanting to let go, like a thunderous, dark night that could not wait for the glorious  morning. I had so many ideas, topics and  a convolution of all things beautiful. I did not know what to say. I felt all I say is nothing compared to the exceptional life my sister leads.
So, for a very long time, I did not want to write, not even when I am aching to do so.  I do not consider myself a prolific writer, needless to say, I am far from that. There is just something in me that loves to express what is within the anals of my overly crowded, chaotic brain. Sometimes, I start with something and end up with seemingly unrelated topic. It frustrates me enough that I would scrap the whole written material. I have written a dark, open missive to everyone, something that I personally believe is written very well, but I can not share it to you now because it would not make sense. After all it was meant to be known when all have seen and understood me. Suffice to say, that will not be in the near future.
Milestones seem to make you melodramatic, if not overly sensitive altogether. Most of us have been through a lot of milestones. I know my 13th birthday will forever be the standard of my milestones. No, I did not celebrate my teenage with a big celebration, nor it started a different way of life. It's just that I have looked forward to it much of my childhood, that I believe I lost my childhood looking forward to teen life. Sweet sixteen was not much of a big deal for me, not even the 18th birthday which is more of the bigger day for ladies in the Philippines. I am the champion of "why-should-I-spend-so-much-when-so-many-are-starving", so I had to live my life in its simplest form. To many, especially parents, graduation is a milestone. It seems that graduation from college to some extent does not only mean that... a degree. There is so much more to it. Pride, honor and social achievement. In fact, it is a fulfillment, not only to the graduating individual but to the family as a whole, or it can also be a realization of a dream not achieved in the past. Weddings, weddings, weddings.... it is a social event, a ceremonial toast, but most of all, it is a milestone. It calls for the grandest dress, the most beautiful flowers, and the most important guests. It seems the higher the position of the guests in politics and society, the more the wedding is talked about in the social radar!
But, let me not dwell so much into milestones of the so called norm. For if I have to discuss everything in this facet, it will include a whole new meaning to my intended writing. It will include promotions, travels, divorce and all that we can imagine, on our personal experiences and whatever we consider milestones in our real world, in fact, I consider my first travel to Manila as milestone... Tagalog ba naman ang salita? Milestone talaga!
I am 32 now, I have so much more to experience, I know. At the same time, I have owned so much years in this life that I can proudly say I have wisened enough to claim some authority in my life. Let me share to you what has become my milestones, everyday milestones if we can categorize it as such. My children will tell you what my milestones are. In fact Christopher, my eldest says he " should" be my favorite for the sole reason that he is my first child, therefore, HE MADE ME A MOM. That is a milestone! What could be greater a milestone than the experience of motherhood. Let me not sugarcoat childbirth. It is a magical experience, we often hear. We have read so many materials regarding the beauty of childbirth, the life changing twist of it. Lest, we forget it is also a total sacrifice and awfully painful experience. Yet, I agree, it is a beautiful, indescribable feeling. It is a euphoria of all emotions, a simulation of life and death. So, yes!  Milestone number one... MOTHERHOOD. I can not, even with the thesaurus beside me, extract enough words and meaningful emotion to actually write  to do justice to this great word,  MOTHER. I remember a  worldwide survey, regarding the most beautiful English word. The run away winner of course, MOTHER. What a sweet word, beautiful indeed!
In between motherhood and my 32nd birthday there are many milestones. First day of school was great for my kids. I took so many pictures, all pictures combined for  preschoolers. So, it has been a roller coaster ride. Flying to the United States will always be a milestone. One of the most difficult decision in my life. You see, a lot of folks would prefer to come to the US, not me. No, no. Do not get me wrong. I do want to see the US, but I never really imagined myself living abroad. As I have mentioned, I prefer a simple life. Friends and family around me, that makes me complete. Traveling is a priority in my to do list. I have never imagined to be away. In fact, the reason I did my internship at the Fort Boniface Hospital is because I want to be commissioned in the Army. But, family and love prevailed. My husband is in the US, so my family should be. So, my friends, I have to decide not only for my future but my children. It has been a good life over all. Life is what we make it. It was difficult the first few years. In fact, the mere meeting of friends have elicited a "milestone" feeling in me.
Recently though, there have been little milestones in my life. KC turned 7, I decided this is a very important part of her life. I organized a big party for her. I invited all her classmates in kindergarten and first grade, all my personal friends who have been instrumental with my family. I bought a beautiful dress fit for a princess, a pair of shoes more expensive than mine, a shawl, a crown and everything a girl wants. It was a successful event. Almost everyone showed up, well, at least the people that mattered. Then, school started September. A month or so into the new school year, I have  experienced another milestone. Christopher, my eldest, received an academic scholarship to join the Saturday classes at Milton Academy. In their website, it states that the scholarship is awarded to gifted children who otherwise would not be able to afford the Milton Academy matriculation. Of all the fourth graders in Lincoln - Hancock Community School, he was chosen. You see, this is a community outreach program of the elite boarding school. Our city, Quincy is alloted for 4-6th grades. So, the whole of Quincy my son is one of the few chosen by the school committee to harness his innate talent.  Although each town is alloted a number of spots, teachers do not necessarily recommend just anyone to fill the spot. A student has to demonstrate academic excellence and curiosity and the willingness to learn more. Courses include architecture, spy and photography. They try to cover all interests that would otherwise be ignored either because of lack of teachers, time or finance. In fact, Ms. Hunter approached me and told me she wanted to tell me the news herself, that she thinks Christopher deserves to be that student for the year. With this opportunity, he has secured a spot till the 6th grade. This milestone would be hard to follow, my husband Chris, even shed tears after the news.
But, lo and behold! Last week, I went to pick up Carmina from school early because she was throwing up.... oh yes, did I tell you staying in the lobby of the Philippine Heart Center for 2 nights and 3 days is a milestone? Yes, tending to sick children is! There was a dengue epidemic at that time when Christopher had a bad case of pneumonia, boy he was not even 2 months! There was no room available, I believed my pediatrician so much, I did not want to be in anybody else's care, so I have  to bear the pain of staying in the lobby. I am glad, nothing catastrophic like that happened again. back to KC throwing up, while I was at the school's office, Kc's teacher congratulated me. I was surprised, but I just kept my wondering to myself. Exiting from the school, Miss Royal, Christopher's 3rd grade teacher congratulated me... again? So I finally asked? " Well, the school just announced that Chris is one of the students whose essay was picked to be considered for the essay writing competition citywide." We just have to wait, if he could be one of the top three, because out of all the entries from all students, 10 are chosen from each category, then they will pick the top 3 from that. I was already proud, just for that.
Three weeks later, we heard the good news! Although not the first place, Chris was 3rd place in his category. 5th graders beat him to it. Well, not bad. In fact I was totally floored. This time, I was able to see his winning essay. You see, they wrote the essay by themselves in school, so there was really no outside help. The topic? The Importance of Quality Education. Everything else in the essay was awesome, But I love the last sentence, " Quality education is important because you see if all kids have quality education it will greatly improve all our lives and the whole country." What a great citizen.
As apparent ( would blatant do? ) as it is, my life is totally different now. Maybe not. Maybe just what highlights my day is different. If going to the Sangria-La Mall was a highlight before, going to PTA meetings do now. If going to Luz facial Care  to do  rituals of beauty was the day's top on the to do list, now it is making sure that my kids doctor appointments  won't clash with dance lessons or any other activity. I literally was very much focused on myself. I am provided with all that I need. I did not have to buy my Guess shoes, my sisters did. I did not have to envy people waddling in the famed hotels of Manila, my sister Joy made sure I was socially visible. I did not have to vie (buy, would do to other people)  for attention, my Ta tang was proud enough for me. So I guess, my life is different, my children made it that way. They made it more satisfying and worth living.
I never imagined that a little Boy's essay would make me cry. I am a very critical person when it comes to writing, be it the sentence composition or the grammar. Be wary of wrong spellings, I hate it! Yet, I cried when I saw his essay. Sprinkled with grammatical  errors, I ignored it. I was focused with the content. Yes, I am humbled. Sometimes, we do not have to be so greatly critical of little things such as where to place the comma, but should look at the entire content or if we are referring to friends, to look at the whole person and not focus with the little imperfections, in fact it's what make it totally beautiful.
My life is full of surprises, sometimes, too much to bear. Pressures of work, joys of A ( A minus is unacceptable), crazy schedules, dizzying double shifts, piled up bills, shopping galores and endless karaoke parties. Life is full of ironies. Just when you feel down, a smiling Joshua comes. Just wen you think you have reached the glass ceiling, you go higher than the stratus clouds up in the bright blue sky! My life is a beautiful, not perfect but fulfilling. I have a long way to go. But as long as I keep my "milestones" to what matters in life, then it will simplify my world. Why do I need more anyway? I do not need expensive chinas, 60 inch HDTV, a month long vacation to Europe, nor do I need a visit to Dr. Belo! I am contented with what I have. Occasionally, we hear sighs, but that is life. We are exposed to the material world and there is nothing wrong with all that I mentioned. If it is what makes someone happy, then go for it. Someday, I will soon shift focus. Isn't that life? A cycle of carefree living to responsibility. We have to have it all.
My milestones may not be your idea of milestones. But, sharing an ice cream cone the beginning of Spring with KC is a milestone, spending an hour at the Barnes and Noble with Christopher without buying anything is one, watching the Animal Planet with Josh munching granola is definitely one too! These are my milestones now. I do not have to wait for a life changing event to label it a milestone, or a special person worth putting out expensive china for, or the Leaning Tower of Pisa as a background for my pictures, I take pictures all the time. My favorite is Chris and KC holding hands while walking! What a shot!
For everyone, life's  greatness need not be the next milestones. Life's essentials are! Make life as milestone itself. What could be more remarkable than life?
Ciao!

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Since then, he has won another competition,  and tested for IQ.. let me not start with that!

Once There Was A Snowstorm http://llaga22.blog.friendster.com/2007/12/once-there-was-a-snowstorm)

Img_0055  New England is known for its unpredictable weather. Correction, for it's wicked extreme weather. So, it should not come in as a big surprise for me to experience snowstorm, right? Wrong. Although I had my share of snow, I have never seen it as a nuisance. I guess because I am still enjoying the novelty of it to me as an individual from a tropical country. In fact, I still reminisce that time I had my first glimpse of snow. We were on our way back from Canada and just exited the border when snowflakes started to magically appear. It was magnificent. It was a joy unknown to me. I have seen snow in movies and I always thought of it as magical, but I did not know until that precise time how magical it is. Truly a wonder .Imagine the snowflakes glistening from the black night of equally magical December... I just had to stop... feel it... experience it... taste it, literally! Now my movie scenes are real!  I remember the movie I used to watch over and over, "The Never Ending Story". Wow, it is such a great experience. So was the cars honking to death because I was stopped on the highway! Well to really be  honest, I do not know if they were honking because they were annoyed, they thought it was dangerous, or maybe they are showing solidarity to my new experience. Nevertheless, those thoughts were far behind at that moment. Of course, I took pictures of me with the snow. One of the few things very " Filipino". Like taking pictures on apple picking day, pictures with expensive cars that are not yours ( I have not done this , YET), and pictures with the
dead, in all their wide smiles.

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Img_0066 Back to the snowstorm. Last Thursday, December 13th, Boston was at a stop! Commercially , economically and socially. Essential employees are asked to stay because the next shift is not expected to be there. I started the afternoon with my usual routine. Ready to pick up the kids at 1:40, was in school around 1:50 and off the parking lot by 2pm. The moment I was getting into the highway towards Boston, I knew there was something wrong.  You see, my commute on regular days max only 30 mins, that is on a bad day. So, it has been 45 minutes and I am just a mile away from the parking lot. It was a mess! A disaster! My usual commute took me 6 hours and 45 minutes.  I can not tell you enough how my hip hurt, and my shoulders were so stiff, I can not rotate the coarse adjustment of a microscope!  I was ready for snow, that is why I took my truck, the Toyota Sequoia, it did perform well, but man, that is  a whole lot of metal to stir on my Filipino build!
Anyone can check photos on line  for details of the craziness of that day, so let me not go into details regarding that. What I want to share is my experience on the road. I was with my kids, I do not know if that is good or not. I just know it felt safe thinking they were with me. It was fun for them in the beginning, they became restless later. But what we have seen and experienced is truly an eye opening experience.  There was a lot of love on the road that day, specifically I-93.


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See the guy, holding an umbrella? He is helping the other car start!

Meanwhile as we inch closer to the Longwood Medical Area, there is a car that was just totally stopped, turns out his battery went kaput! Again, a man offered his car jumper to spark his battery to make the car start again, whoala! You can hear the clanking sound but hey, engine is running! At the Orchard School, two ambulances were stuck, there is this huge FedEx delivery van that completely closed the road, they had to move one patient to the other service, everyone cleared the back road so the ambulance can reach Longwood Medical! How cool is that? One road totally opening up! It was sad seeing a few school bus still on the road, but people were still smiling, i am sure very tired and annoyed, at one point someone blared their Christmas music so the kids on the school bus can sing along! Beat that! I bet there were others that did not witness, and I did a couple of "angel" works too, but that is not for me to write but the next person... beside, my angel saw it. I do not have to write about it. It is already written, in the bookpages of " Bernadette's good deed of the Day".


That is outside. Let me tell you about a beautiful thing that had happened inside the car.  We were tuned in to a Christmas Station and they were doing their annual Wish-A-Ton, for sick kids. What it is, people call and pledge money so that the foundation can grant the wishes of kids stricken with cancer. I always try to allocate $300 of our meager family income to charitable causes, it varies,I donate into cultural charities, sometimes for the Philippine's Bantay Bata. I have a soft spot for child advocacy. The lady DJ said ' We know you must be stuck in there, but if you have access to a cellphone, you can join us and be a part of this great thing..." or something to that effect.  My kids, almost at the same exact moment said, " Mom, we should do that!" Oh yeah, while navigating the icy trek, they want me to call! Christoper said he would dial the phone and speak with them, that they would love to put their name on the donation.  I was so scared of the road that I told them I can not concentrate. They let it go, but again, the station announced that whatever donations we give will be matched by Bank of America... and my son's face lit up. He said that  even if we give $10 each ( $50 for the whole family), it will be great because, it will then be $100. With that who can let go of that brewing generosity inside  a child? I told them to call and that we are donating. They were able to get on the phone and all this time he gave them details of our " little" donations. I saw his eyes sparkle as he was speaking to them. He was so happy he was helping, at the same time he knows someone will be happy too. Wish granted! Granted for him and me. For that is my wish, for my kids to grow up socially responsible and selfless. Knowing that they are able to share whatever little thing we have is a good start for me.




As they say, you can choose to see things differently. I choose to focus on the beauty of the world, the innate goodness of everyone. I know darkness lurks and is ready to attack anytime but what good will it do to you if you are closing your world because of that fear. There is always something beautiful about a person or situation, let us focus on that!
Wish granted!


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7 Steps For Overcoming Ego's Hold On You (7/7/2008)



  1. Stop being offended.
  2. Let go of your need to win.
  3. Let go of your need to be right.
  4. Let go of your need to be superior.
  5. Let go of your need to have more.
  6. Let go of identifying yourself on the basis of your achievements.
  7. Let go of your reputation.

Until_todayUntil Today! : Daily Devotions for Spiritual Growth and Peace of Mind by Iyanla Vanzant.


Waaaa, I have a loooong waaay to go... especially with this:
Let go of the need to want more."
How can I?  Tell me, help...join me, encourage me.. be with me!
Can you?
I am challenging you, it is easy...
Yes you. Oh yeah, you. Do not hide. I know you. Deep down, you want to do good, be good.
Let us hurdle this together, yes, I mean you and me, not them, US!
Winky wink!
I'll stick with my own dogma:
"It's ok to live well as long as you do good..." A despicable excuse to bury myself with the indignant consumer driven living organism(s) of the world... yes.. that's you, and them and ME! Oh yes, I did call you that... organism... a microcosm of little minded living thing.

I know I have some maturity to do, but hey, I need my NARS, my Lancome, my Coach, my Lacoste , my facial treatments, my trips and my restaurant binge... high tea anyone? Meet me at The Four Seasons....
Sorry....

Oooops... this is meant to be satirical, only because I do not want to bolster my depression by getting serious with my writing today! So there, be bold, be beautifu! Eyeloveit!

By the way, I promise to write about this "seriously". When I have accomplished the 7 ways... oh dear!

Ate's 50th




I am tasked with a great but daunting  job, that is, to give a little speech about my Manang Janette. A mounting task it is, not only because I am talking about a great person but also because she is one multifaceted personality. But what made this truly a mounting task now is the fact that my talk will come after these great speakers who have all given a beautiful and factual account about our birthday celebrant.... here I have to revise my speech to avoid being redundant, and be the least memorable SPEAKER... that I dread. I have been revising this over and over that I can not stop....
So, flashback to hs, my public Speaking Coach once told me, I am better off focusing on one beautiful topic that I can deliver with all my heart than have multiple topics and all half heartedly discussed. So, yes Sir... I was listening.

I am not going to sugarcoat anything in our lives, our family. Our family has been through a lot, yet we stayed afloat, with intact principles. That is very well manifested with Manang Janette, her life and all that she is. With all the trials and tribulations that have come her way, she has emerged victorious, maybe a little bit frazzled, shaken even but always, always victorious.

Somehow in life, when it rains it pours. With Manang Janette though, she sees it as an opportunity to grow and devour in the presence of a higher power when all else fails her. I, for one would have succumbed  to the easy way out, not her, she continues to propel herself to a higher level of understanding, grasping along the way what life has to offer. For I don't have the pure and personal relationship she has with her creator, it is easy for her to bow down and say, I surrender, because only  in surrendering to our God we can let his powers take over our humanity.

We have a big family, parents were not educated academically speaking), were struggling, nothing and no one else to depend on. Yet, they were so determined to give us a different life in any way they could, even if it meant smelling like salted fish or dried aramang , waking up at wee hours in the morning with 2 hours of sleep, working like horses. What with many children to rear, somehow life was still difficult. The difference I can proudly say is the fact that we have siblings who are responsible , clamouring not for the luxurious life but a life worth living. This I can truly say to all of you, is the pride we have in our family.

Not to water down the hard work our parents did, but great part of our triumphant rise from ignorance, exposure to a world more embracing to all, is because of Manang Janette. She has sacrified a lot for all of us, nevertheless, not without falling and rising and falling again, but all the time with our heads up high, not letting go of the values and principles our parents instilled in us.

Oftentimes misunderstood, sometimes used, or should I say, the opposite,  Manang Janette is always a joy to be with. For the good in me, I can not fathom how she can juggle so many things at the same time. A good friend, always there to support, a great worker, a devoted Christian , spotless homemaker, a loving and understanding wife. No words can do justice to describe her as a mother, with all the pains and joys of motherhood. A lot of you may have been touched by her loving embrace and welcoming smile and may have a thing or two to describe her, but I guess for all of you,  she probably is the most accommodating all, in time, effort and presence. For what are words when you are not in action, Manang Janette is that, many of you maybe buoyed towards new friends later as we all journey in life, but I dare you, no one will be as “ family” as Manang Janette.

But then again, I can only speak from the heart if I speak as a sister. With her warm embrace and strong grounds, I feel so secure and safe.  Many times we agree on a lot of things , sometimes clashing in principles, but never understimating the respect we have for each other. She is one generous sister, never selfish, I don't think she has a jealous bone in her . A supportive sister, that I can be a monument for her being supportive. She will give her opinion but will always be enduring in her support inspite of. Recently, I took a licensure examination for Medical Technology in the US , and did pass, mind you. I was ecstatic, crying, laughing , thanking, reflective , jubilant, proud, content and fulfilled. With all the craziness that was surrounding me, there was a lot of  people I prayed for that night. I offered it to my parents, who wanted me to be a doctor, I failed them but with the test, i felt  at least I eased a little of their discontent. I asked the Lord to bless my bestfriend, my husband, children, siblings and friends for I know I am who I am because of the great love and support they have for me.

Why am I telling you this? I am telling you this because when I was getting married, I wrote Manang Janete to ask for her blessing, because she was helping my parents with my schooling. I thought it was just proper. She was not happy, my family has always grand plans for me, we exchaged hurtful words and a shouting match, but in the end she was supportive, telling me that, she was not against me, my future husband or me being happy, but she was disappointed because she thought I could do more with my life - be a doctor, a lawyer or a journalist. But mind you, she came home for the wedding, was in all the planning stages,telling me what to do, even bought me a diamond and pearl earing stud. But most of ALL,NEVER MAKING MY HUSBAND FEEL UNWANTED.

So, after so much reflecting, I realized, I did not take that test for anything. I realized I did it for my parents, my husband and just pure personal fulfilment, for I do not need it for propesterous and ambitious gains. Then, like a eureka moment, I realized, this is for my loved ones especially people I have disappointed getting married early in life. It was for Manang Janette for believing in me, trusting me, letting me know that I can be anybody I want if I put my heart into it. I am now Bernadette Ambiong LLaga, MT ASCP, but my Inang should be too, so is Manang Janette, same with my husband, my sisters and brothers, and my children. Thank you Manang Janette, we share my license to pratice Medical Technology anywhere in the US.

I try not to be superflous with my description of her, but that would be a disservice to a great person.I have come to admire her, for all that she has been through, I do not know if I can even endure half of it. But I am confident in the thought that I do have her when darkness do come. I will have a guiding light and leading hand ushering me towards the light .

Family and friends, I share with you the joy of having a wonderful person in our midst. I am vey happy that we all can be touched by a loving sister or friend. Life would never be the same if we do not hear Manang Janett's thunderous laugh, her signature smile and not to mention, her " tayo-tayo" lang parties, which turns out to be 100 people or more. Yes, in deed, we all go on with our busy life but one in a while we get calls from her, nothing important, just dropping by.So, this is the night for Manang Janette, an opportunity for us to savor the moment with her, so that in our solitude, we relish about how she can make us all laugh and cry at the same time.

To you Manang, my family loves you, you are Mamu Janette. "Can we go see Mamu Mommy?" is always a question whenever we have a three day weekend. Thank you for your  unending love and support, may your blessings continue to fluorish and life  be good.
I never  intended to make my speech longer that 1 minute , so bear with me. Thank you Manang for being my sister, they say you can choose your friends but not your family, but if I have to choose, I will still choose what I have now...., we may not be a lot of things but we are family, always knowing who we are and never embarrased of our humble beginnings.... but most of all, I will still choose the the same family simply because I have a Manang Janette......
Thank you all and I love you Chris!

Nourish Your Dreams ( from my friendster blog, back when friendster was in)

Live .Dream. Achieve. 

Achieve. Live. Dream. 


Dream. Live. Achieve.


Live your dreams. Achieve all your dreams. No matter what we, rather, I do, it seems to be a pathetic quest. Quest. Human satisfaction, as proven all the time, is something that is unconquerable as the human spirit. Defeating the purpose of satisfaction is dreaming. I am not going to argue... I am stating my observation. By the way this is not about me. Well, it is always about me.

Somehow in this lifetime ( sounds passe) , we clamor so much, for the fame, the glory and the recognition we seem to think we deserve. Aside from these, of course there is the " tangible" proof of this " strong want". There is the big SUV, the glimmering 2 seater BMW, the "it" Louis Vuitton bag, the latest Manolos, (for the sake of Jimmy Choo's millions of fans oh yes ), the always glamorous Lancome, the ever classy Mikimoto pearls, not to be outdone, there is the Bulgari look-at-me jewelry. Wait, there is a new one that will make you belong, rather, acceptable to the creme-de- la -creme . Women and men alike are into "self improvements"... like the reality shows. There is the teeth whitening ( so much so that you lose the enamel, one MD said), the diamond peel for more even out skin tone, the liposuction, the tummy tuck, the bleaching or in this side of the world, the tanning, there is even the hair rebonding, the old world threading for more shapely eyebrows, and the most that kills me is the eyelash perm... what? Oh, no on second thought, I think what is abominable (abhor?) is the " make-up tattoo". Say, what? Altogether now. Besides these, there is also the rise in club and sports membership. Now you have to pay to be fit. Pathetic! Fitness club, golf membership, tennis clinics, basketball tournaments and the likes. Not only that, you have to be with the popular group otherwise you do not count. With the Lacoste logo hanging on every boat owner, it seems an indelible mark of Wall Street. Travels. Been to Bermuda? Seen the pink sand beaches of Mauritius? How about the palaces in Germany? Gone to a safari in Senegal? Seen the natives of Down Under? Somewhat ingrained into the consciousness of everyone is that we separate ourselves to the have-nots to the places we have the honor to travel to. " You may have the money honey, but if you are not well traveled, you are not cultured." I overheard someone say at the airport. So now, it is rather dismal to be " just rich", you have to be educated and cultured. Calling all citizens of the world. Whatever happened to me? Must have missed all the fun there! There is another one that I think have been here since time in memoriam. There is the "letters after your name thing", PhD, MD, MS, ASCP ( I told you it is about me) and the rest. Where I come from, people get insulted if you do not call them by their achieved profession, so much so that it is part of their " full name". Engr. Ronald So, Atty. Domingo Malang and Father Norberto Nakpil SVD. It is such a blatant and arrogant display of power. It is equivalent to having money. Worst is the rich kid growing up inheriting the CEO title, or being the company president lucky enough be married to the nouveau rich. Somehow when I was in school ( yes, I did go to a university) there is the prevalent feeling , " if you can't be a doctor, marry one." I did not become one, I did not marry one. Life sucks. What about being a celebrity? It is not enough just to play the major role, now they have to be executive producers so that they will earn more on the gains of the movie. Did you ever wonder why there has been a rampant practice of product displays on TV shows and movies? What was that car being driven at the latest installment of MI3 again? Can't get enough, can they? It is the perfect interplay of the rich and famous. God forbids when power interplays with fame. Can you imagine Jenna Bush marrying ultimate cutie Jake Gyllenhaal? I can only imagine.


I have been avoiding to include the clamor for religion because it is a topic I would rather not pursue, but one thing that someone reminded me, if I am to write about this topic is the strong clamor for religion, the quest for our thirst for the question that has evaded most of humankind. "Who are we in this world?", I refuse to delve in this topic, nevertheless it is part of this, so bear with me. Remember the Dalai Lama? When he came over to the US, all celebrities and world leaders wanted to be photographed with him. Well, there is also the couch-jumping Scientologist Tom Cruise. Self- help books and personal development books line the bookstores. Right now, there is the controversial The Da Vinci Code ( i have the book, have not watched the movie ... yet). So there, enough with religion, or as someone told me, enough with the hypocritical values we present to conform with society. We seem to think of our beliefs as staying powers, hard to admit but we use this to rather expand our clout. We easily get swayed to the powers that be. So there, let it be.

Believe me, I do have soaring dreams. My heart clamors for all that each and everyone , in their deepest thoughts savor. I have dreams for myself,for my family,friends and the world. Dreams are beautiful thoughts for as long as it does not enslave us, does not make us bitter, jealous, and angry. For me, dreams make up the capsule of my being, that envelopes my wishes not only for me but my love ones. Someday, I may share the beauty of my dreams, only if you let me.

Somehow deep inside me, I know I can't be true to myself if I do not go after these dreams, in the chambers of my heart, these dreams do not belong, they belong to the world, for all to see and cherish, maybe even share. No matter how little they can go, I know my dreams will lift my life and my spirit. Hopefully it will touch yours.

Soar high, achieve your most evasive dreams and live the life that fulfills the greatest void in your life. Love.

I rest my case. As I have said, this is about me. Not meant to make anyone disagree.

B

Heartwarming (2/27/2007)

It has been said, time and again that there is nothing more heartwarming than a child's embrace, the soft touch of their tiny little hands and the glow of their faces even with simple things. Yet, they also say the sweetest of things, in a manner so innocent they do not understand why you are crying and laughing at the same time. Ah, the miracle of an innocent child...  








On Valentine's day 2007, I did not make any particular plans going out. Aside from the announced snowstorm ( ahhh New England), my husband and I have been in job transitions in a way too complicated that it is taking a toll on me. Last year, I took pictures of the kids, all in newly purchased red tops, with I LOVE YOU inscribed in a home- made billboard, in chronological order by age. As such, I had the pictures framed, beautifully wrapped and the kids were excited to go out dating with Daddy. We had a sumptous dinner at a favorite family restaurant. That was last year. So this year, I bought a shadow box, filled it up with hubby's pictures with the kids, made some artwork and love notes from the kids... whoooaaala! A Valantine's gift. Included with that simple gift is of course my Valentine card. I left the shadow box and an 8x10 picture of him and me on the dining table so that he could see it once he gets home. It turned out he planned for a night out dinner, being a school day, what with the traffic and the snowstorm, we ordered pizza instead. Here, my friends start the real story.


While eating our " special ordered "gourmet" PIZZA from Domino's", Karmina ( my second child and only daughter), asked " Do you know what my favorite holiday is?" My husband said, Christmas because you get a lot of gifts! " Naah.", Karmina said. So each one went on to guess, halloween because she gets to be a pretty Princess, Thanksgiving because she gets to go to cousin Lovely's house, or maybe even valentine... because she is allowed to drink soda. With her usual dramatics which includes leaning her head to the left and clasping her hands, putting them to her cheeks, sweet smile and blinking eyes, she goes " Mom, Dad, my favorite holiday is Mother's Day and Father's Day. Wait a minute, that's two holidays," because I love you both" . Aaaaaawww, isn't that sweet! I was so moved by that. Imagine the " pinch" I felt! At that moment, unlike in movies or any written scripts, I just sat there unable to think of a great comeback, a ready sweet retort only imagined by great writers, but what can I say? But unlike in movies , this is real, so there is no unexpected standing, crying and sobbing while talking, but there is a great deal of joy in my heart, a love that no one is able to write, to describe or act out. For the human heart is unable to fathom to the deepest of emotions, specially that of an innocent child. You see, for an innocent child, that was just that. Plain and simple... unplanned, not in need of any acknowledgement or award whatsoever. To KC, that was just any ordinary sweet things she always does.

I may not have a lot of material things, but I have my daughter. I may not have higher degrees or high professional placement but I have someone who loves me. I may not be perfect, but I have a family who supports me. I might have made mistakes... but looking at my daughter, she is more than my redemption. It's as if God is telling me that whatever may come, He is there and He loves me. It is easier to believe that with Karmina around.


P.S.

Karmina Cielo means beautiful sky. She is truly a beauty ... from the sky.


Mom.




February 25, 2007

Great Visit ( from my Multiply blog 7/22/2007)


Sometimes, I want to forget all about the past. Not that it brings melodramatic pains and memories... no, nothing like that. Nor it is because there is no significant past. Which is worse? Perhaps, it is not only me. Within all of us lie the unspoken fear of the past. For whatsoever reason, we gravitate towards the future more than the past... which we should not, because the past have the greatest impact to the future. It is what we stood for in the past that is now taking shape in the future. I do not have an explanation, I suppose I belong to the great majority.

But let me tell you this, if there is one special thing in my life that I am allowed to revisit, I would be put in a great predicament. There is so much I want to go back to that I can not even think of one right now.

Do I want to dwell in pain of my youth, the indecisive me? The absurd attitude of the " in" crowd. I was never a conformist even back then. Not that I hated this phase in my life, but now that I have seen so much of life, I just do not think I can take the atrocities of my youth and the parties involved. Sweet but no thanks. Well , maybe... indecisive huh?

Do I want to go back to the early years in my little northern fishing village? Ah, the smell of salty breeze from the Cagayan River merging with the giggles and shouts of too many kids under the bright moonlight blanketing the little quiet town of Aparri. The rotten smell of aramang ( those lil shrimp looking species of unknown genus, at least unknown to me). I remember being teased, ostracized even if to say the least, because I came from Punta, the fishing village. I am proud of that, I despise all that shy away from it. Isn't it sweet to look back and see all the familiar faces all over again? While it may not be so now, but I relish the nice time when you can roam the nights without fear.

Do I want to go back to a failed relationship? No, this would border to the obscene and a soap opera, a scandal even. Oh, the naughty me! Wink!

Do I want to refresh my memory of the most wonferdul friendship? Friendship gives the most wonderful spice in life. I would never give up my friendships for all the glory of the world. But then again I have at least three. It would make me young and vulnerable again, hahha! Who would I spend it with?

Oh life, what would it be? Would I put my self to test again by going back to my college years? I can just imagine the grueling time I had at the " university belt" of Manila. Manila!!!! My Manila! That was so much fun, but as I recall now, I wonder how I survived it. With the squalid smell of million students in a compact land area whhew... survival of the fittest. I never had any problem about drinking, smoking or drugs because I was very much against it. I can tolerate you, but do not ask me twice if I want to try it, I would get insulted. I am proud of that, my Tatang never had to remind us about it. ( Tatang is father, a variety of the way Filipinos call their fathers, much like Dad, Daddy Pop to the West... I prefer the sweet sound of Tatang ). The endless battle for my jeepney ride! Oh, yes, I did fight for my seats and mind you, I dothat with the tight white uniform of those days. I can only imagine.

Will reminiscing my wedding day give me the same old feeling? I bet yeah it will. It is one of the fairy tale weddings in my town. There were so many people, people I know, I barely know, what have you. I still think that I looked my best on that day.

Someday somehow, all will come to an end, therefore, we should just march on... live our life with the greatest candor. I will visit my life like a glistening shadow, determined to emerge a winner in life's battle. Nevertheless, what I will be will always be because of what shaped me in my past.

Suffice to say, it means my visits will always be a painful reminder that I should know what I have been and should guide my journey in the realm of the future.

Completely Lost Permalink: http://llaga22.wordpress.com/2007/04/23/completely-lost/)



The title speaks for itself. I definitely would have a lot of things to say about being lost. Let me focus for now about my being LOST... in the realm of what I want to do in my life, professionally. Isn't that completely insane? Thirty one years of complete earthling life and I haven't gotten a clue about me, what I honestly want, where I desire to be or when do I do things I really want. Regretfully, I have not been very adventurous about the things I have so far done in my life. Let me elaborate, first I went on to follow what peole were doing in college, go the safe route, healthcare field. For Filipino families, I find it funny that we tend to be a family of nurses, doctors, dentists and so forth. I am a Medical technologist, I chose this profession, don't get me wrong, I love it and I take pride of it. But, did I really think about it? Did I think of my capabilities and strenghts before embarking? As I said, I wanted to go easy way, no struggles against the will of my parents, particularly my father.  I remember my tatang (father) telling me that if I pursued Mass Communications as  major in college, it would get me nowhere, because we were not well connected, I was not a pretty face, nor am I from the big city where that profession abounds. No words said... " wen Tatang" (yes Father)... was all I could muster. Should have I insisted on my decision? I would not be lost... if I had, or no?
I am satisfied with where I am right now. I work for Children's Hospital Boston, a world renowned healthcare facility, climbing the ladder of success. I have taken all possible steps to excel in my profession. I took certification I do not necessarily need for my career advancement, but much more for my personal satisfaction. Yeah, you all, I can do it. Almost all of my college friends are doctors now. Am I envious? Absolutely! But I am not envious in a way you would think. I envy their courage and strenght to pursue what they want. I know a few of them were just forced into it just like me,  by overzealous parents who are MDs themselves,  nevertheless, they made it. Not me.
I wanted to be a broadcast journalist... now you all know. I have this burning feeling  inside of me to be the face of truth and the champion of justice, in what way was this related to broadcast journalism, I can not fathom until now. I know my desire is also fueled by my strenghts. I know I can never be corrupted, nor be easily swayed by overpowering masculine society, I just know deep inside me, I could have been a shining example of a " probinsiyana" who champions the poor, made it big to the big city, yet has remained honest and simple. Or is it? Maybe i could have changed, what with the power that fame and fortune brings. Maybe I will be surrounded by arrogance and I start acting it, like it was second skin. Just maybe, I learned that life is not that simple, or maybe I was just so good in adapting that when I did get big, I absorbed everything that came with it, big head, big ego,  big paycheck, big credit.
I am still in limbo. I want to be in Florida, or California, build my life there. I want to go to Spain and Thailand, before I forget, I want to go to SanFrancisco. I want to be journalist even in my little corner of the world.
Now, you have met me. Will you stay with me  to nourish my dream? I will never be found, because a spirit like me never rests, it never anchors, stays afloat. I will always be lost but never unhappy.
Ciao, enjoy blogging..

DSWD scandal

I hate this people..check how they are cheating us!